Happy day!

Soooooo it's been a while.

Not that anyone but me reads this, but I feel it's time to get ahead of all the depressing posts I've put up.

I have direction!

In a few short months, I'm moving to Arizona. There, I will be able to establish my independence (fingers crossed!), which will make me a much happier and secure-feeling Kath. From there I can figure out what it is exactly that I want to do with the rest of my life, because I still have a handful of options, plan and launch into that gorgeous thing that is my possibility.

Yeah, life's looking up.

I've just got to make it through a handful more months...

Why is it that I'm most inclined to type when I'm stressed?

So I down a glass of red wine
Contemplate sketching
Remember that my sketchbook is in the car, and so, abandon the idea
And decide to post
an entry
that no one else will ever read.

Damn
Aren't we just the productive ones today?

Went to PLU to visit this weekend
then came home
and that last line almost brings tears to my eyes again.

I love visiting. It's nice to be around a group of people that want to hang out with me, just for the sake of spending time with me.
I have room for inspiration there
Hope
Dreams
And I come home
and stare unemployment, an empty bank account, and bills in the face.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle.

I am miserable.

Life is crazy.

I'm caught up in so many things--with so many people--that I really don't want to be, while opportunity slips through my fingers and those I should be spending time with leave. Not leaving me behind, encouraging me to leave as well, but I'm afraid to--so afraid of the unknown. Leaving me feeling alone and sorry for myself.

Oh well.

So, prioritized/ordered schedule:

JOB(S)
Gather information on prospective schools
Prepare audition material
Stay heavily involved in the Bellingham area theater
Write essays till I'm sick of them
Begin school applications
Gather information on scholarships
Finish school applications
Continue collecting and finishing scholarship applications
Auditions?
School?
Please?

I want to go to school so badly... I want it more than anything else, right now.

Metaphorically Aching

The end of summer looms nearer all the time.

Events.

Deadlines.

Planning.

Hoping.

Applying.

Praying.

Missing.

So many things I want to say, all things I can't seem to put into words.

So I'll do what I've always done.

Breathe.

List.

Prioritize.

Stress.

Panic.

Solve.

Most importantly, I'll hide my pain from those around me as best I can.

Will it ever end?

My Keyboard Missed Me

It's good to be writing again, even if I feel a little ridiculous with it. Definitely not my usual type of writing, but it should be interesting, nonetheless. It'll be good to get feedback on my ideas, too. Make sure my creative process isn't taking me too far away from the real world and what a normal train of thought can follow!

I'm also finally going to be working full time. What a relief! Working at Premier on simple assembly stuff, still tutoring, and working with Mom on landscaping. Who knew pulling weeds could be so much fun?

My closet has some fresh paint on it- Sir Anger finally has (some of) his purple armor! Even though he's still missing an arm... heh... Maybe I'll sketch that in tomorrow, as I have an awful lot of time.

Definitely missing conversation with a few that have become inaccessible, due to work and lack of proximity to a computer. Ah, well, summer jobs will be done and gone soon enough. I just have to make it till then.

I'm debating packing up all of my wire and beads. I simply have no motivation to work with them anymore. Crazy, I know, I've been working that craft for almost nine years, no joke. I'm burnt out completely. I think it would be a good idea for me to completely put them away and concentrate on other arts for a while, come back to it in a year or two with new ideas and new inspirations. It's a hard thing to face, but I think, ultimately, I'll benefit from it a lot.

For now, I think I'll make cookies, since I found my cookie cutters!

Promises and Such

Yet again I find myself with so much on my mind that I feel needs to be pondered in writing, and no idea how to start.

I am much more delicate and easily swayed than I would have any believe, if I could help it.

So very, very delicate.

I've made a promise to myself. Those of you who see me often may have noticed a silver bracelet I've been wearing for the last month or so- it's a reminder, of sorts. An icon of my promise.

The promise itself is hard to explain. I feel that I need to prove myself, that I can support myself physically, emotionally, financially, and so on.

I have to prove it to myself that I can.

I am petrified that I'm going to fail.

Lately, life has really been a spectacular roller coaster, flying from self-assured confidence that I'll succeed without a problem to the depths of my low self-esteem, sure that I can't make it without someone to hold my little hand along the way and show me what to do.

I've failed so much in the past, often only barely making it through situations on top. I thought I was going to be able to change that this year, getting a new start through college attendance, but I was wrong, for the most part. Wrong, so many times.

I want to be strong for myself.

I don't know how.

Rambling to an audience of me.

I can't sleep.

Part of it is the insomnia that I've been so carefully building over the last week or so that seems to have worked all too well. Part of it is confusion. A lot of it is confusion.

I am at an impasse.

This fall, I plan to move out and away, and to give myself the opportunity to start anew, to open a new chapter in my life, a fresh chapter.

I can't just leave everything behind, unfortunately.

In the last month, I have managed to cultivate a ridiculous amount of grief for myself, doing or saying something stupid at almost every turn. Some of these issues have found their resolutions, but all too many lie unresolved because I simply do not know what to do.

So, here's what I know.

High school was a lovely place where I learned a lot and had lovely friends.

I have to break ties with them or be dragged into high school drama.

If I choose not to break ties, I will also have to put a hell of a lot of effort into keeping in contact with each one of them, seeing as I do not hear from any of them unless I make contact first- often, several times.

I am, however, blessed with a small handful of friends who continue to see me for the potential that I have and the person that I am trying to be; friends who have continued to support me.

These are the people who should be at the receiving end of my efforts.

I am afraid.

Of a lot of things.

Rational and no.

That's the way it is.

I need to learn to forgive myself.

I've messed up more than I'd like to admit. I don't know how to redeem myself.

I can't let these things tear me apart until the point that I do know how to redeem myself, though.

I am still sick. I should be sleeping.

I don't really want to go to class tomorrow.

I have a lot of work to do.

(EDIT)

I have paid my due for what I did. I cannot hold myself accountable for fixing it without going mad. Maybe I may someday receive real forgiveness.