Promises and Such

Yet again I find myself with so much on my mind that I feel needs to be pondered in writing, and no idea how to start.

I am much more delicate and easily swayed than I would have any believe, if I could help it.

So very, very delicate.

I've made a promise to myself. Those of you who see me often may have noticed a silver bracelet I've been wearing for the last month or so- it's a reminder, of sorts. An icon of my promise.

The promise itself is hard to explain. I feel that I need to prove myself, that I can support myself physically, emotionally, financially, and so on.

I have to prove it to myself that I can.

I am petrified that I'm going to fail.

Lately, life has really been a spectacular roller coaster, flying from self-assured confidence that I'll succeed without a problem to the depths of my low self-esteem, sure that I can't make it without someone to hold my little hand along the way and show me what to do.

I've failed so much in the past, often only barely making it through situations on top. I thought I was going to be able to change that this year, getting a new start through college attendance, but I was wrong, for the most part. Wrong, so many times.

I want to be strong for myself.

I don't know how.

Rambling to an audience of me.

I can't sleep.

Part of it is the insomnia that I've been so carefully building over the last week or so that seems to have worked all too well. Part of it is confusion. A lot of it is confusion.

I am at an impasse.

This fall, I plan to move out and away, and to give myself the opportunity to start anew, to open a new chapter in my life, a fresh chapter.

I can't just leave everything behind, unfortunately.

In the last month, I have managed to cultivate a ridiculous amount of grief for myself, doing or saying something stupid at almost every turn. Some of these issues have found their resolutions, but all too many lie unresolved because I simply do not know what to do.

So, here's what I know.

High school was a lovely place where I learned a lot and had lovely friends.

I have to break ties with them or be dragged into high school drama.

If I choose not to break ties, I will also have to put a hell of a lot of effort into keeping in contact with each one of them, seeing as I do not hear from any of them unless I make contact first- often, several times.

I am, however, blessed with a small handful of friends who continue to see me for the potential that I have and the person that I am trying to be; friends who have continued to support me.

These are the people who should be at the receiving end of my efforts.

I am afraid.

Of a lot of things.

Rational and no.

That's the way it is.

I need to learn to forgive myself.

I've messed up more than I'd like to admit. I don't know how to redeem myself.

I can't let these things tear me apart until the point that I do know how to redeem myself, though.

I am still sick. I should be sleeping.

I don't really want to go to class tomorrow.

I have a lot of work to do.

(EDIT)

I have paid my due for what I did. I cannot hold myself accountable for fixing it without going mad. Maybe I may someday receive real forgiveness.

Fairy Tales

Once upon a time,

That's how we start them,

And expect the end to be sublime.

To this sad frame, our stories we condemn.

The maid in need of saving,

Pining for her prince strong.

The lad facing situations challenging,

Winning the day, one immortalized in song.

God forbid my story should be thus structured,

No, any man who sees me only as a lady fair-

His glory, he'll find, will be punctured,

From his grip, the heroism I'll tear!

My story will be one that I will tell,

Defined by dreams of my own.

From the aforementioned ideas I'll rebel!

I only hope that this does not doom me to tell it alone.

Flaws in fabrication

How do we right our wrongs?

Each of us, in our journey of life, has wronged another. Likely, more than one, and more than once. When it comes to sins against God, it is a well known process of identifying the wrong, regretting it, asking forgiveness, learning from the situation and moving on, knowing that the wrong has been forgiven and is forgotten. In our day-to-day, small skrew-ups, a simple apology generally suffices.

But what do we do to compensate for the big ones? The ones that stack, one on another, creating a growing, gross heap?

Being humans, we seem to believe that some kind of reparation or revenge is due for these. Why? It's a good question.

And then there are even the wrongs we've served without being aware of them. This not only provides the wrong, but the insult of not realizing that it was at all offending.

I have served my share of wrongs, and have received my share, as well. I can't honestly claim that I have apologized for all of them, or even deserved forgiveness, but I can't remember one instance of knowing I'd wronged someone and not felt remorseful and not said that I'm sorry- truly and completely sorry- for the wrong I'd done.

I've always forgiven freely, holding very few grudges. Sometimes, some would say, too freely. My trust and forgiveness has led me to trouble more than once, has bitten me in the butt, but I can't imagine not forgiving anyone who is remorseful for his or her deed against me, or pretends remorse well or even doesn't realize that s/he has done wrong against me. I can't imagine where I'd be if, the first time someone hurt me, I refused to trust that person again. I'd be very, very alone, I know that.

Why do we refuse each other forgiveness? a new start? another try?

Or am I in the wrong; should I work more to protect myself against those who have wronged me? Have I bared my heart too much, been too vulnerable?

I don't know. Maybe someday I'll have the answers.

Until then, I'll continue to guess. Continue to give the flawed human population the benefit of the doubt and hope that I'll receive it in turn.

If I have wronged you,

I am sorry.

June 29, 2007 Posted as: I hate poetry

What does one do, when just outside that circle of light-

Just a single joy away

So close

And yet

Unable to reach it?

I've been in that light

I've bathed in its glory, seen all it has to offer

Found comfort in its embrace.

I feel some of it's warmth now in a puff of breeze

Just enough for memories to flood my mind

But it's gone almost before I could sense its presence

Leaving what was a healing wound gaping once again.

I want to not long for it so,

As I watch those so blessed to dance in it,

Those I know and hold dear.

I want so badly to find my own joy

My own solace in the solidity of my surroundings

The independence

Self-reliance

The knowledge that none can touch me, none can harm me.

Or that I cannot see the harm

For the lack of light?