Why is it that I'm most inclined to type when I'm stressed?

So I down a glass of red wine
Contemplate sketching
Remember that my sketchbook is in the car, and so, abandon the idea
And decide to post
an entry
that no one else will ever read.

Damn
Aren't we just the productive ones today?

Went to PLU to visit this weekend
then came home
and that last line almost brings tears to my eyes again.

I love visiting. It's nice to be around a group of people that want to hang out with me, just for the sake of spending time with me.
I have room for inspiration there
Hope
Dreams
And I come home
and stare unemployment, an empty bank account, and bills in the face.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle.

I am miserable.

Life is crazy.

I'm caught up in so many things--with so many people--that I really don't want to be, while opportunity slips through my fingers and those I should be spending time with leave. Not leaving me behind, encouraging me to leave as well, but I'm afraid to--so afraid of the unknown. Leaving me feeling alone and sorry for myself.

Oh well.

So, prioritized/ordered schedule:

JOB(S)
Gather information on prospective schools
Prepare audition material
Stay heavily involved in the Bellingham area theater
Write essays till I'm sick of them
Begin school applications
Gather information on scholarships
Finish school applications
Continue collecting and finishing scholarship applications
Auditions?
School?
Please?

I want to go to school so badly... I want it more than anything else, right now.

Metaphorically Aching

The end of summer looms nearer all the time.

Events.

Deadlines.

Planning.

Hoping.

Applying.

Praying.

Missing.

So many things I want to say, all things I can't seem to put into words.

So I'll do what I've always done.

Breathe.

List.

Prioritize.

Stress.

Panic.

Solve.

Most importantly, I'll hide my pain from those around me as best I can.

Will it ever end?

My Keyboard Missed Me

It's good to be writing again, even if I feel a little ridiculous with it. Definitely not my usual type of writing, but it should be interesting, nonetheless. It'll be good to get feedback on my ideas, too. Make sure my creative process isn't taking me too far away from the real world and what a normal train of thought can follow!

I'm also finally going to be working full time. What a relief! Working at Premier on simple assembly stuff, still tutoring, and working with Mom on landscaping. Who knew pulling weeds could be so much fun?

My closet has some fresh paint on it- Sir Anger finally has (some of) his purple armor! Even though he's still missing an arm... heh... Maybe I'll sketch that in tomorrow, as I have an awful lot of time.

Definitely missing conversation with a few that have become inaccessible, due to work and lack of proximity to a computer. Ah, well, summer jobs will be done and gone soon enough. I just have to make it till then.

I'm debating packing up all of my wire and beads. I simply have no motivation to work with them anymore. Crazy, I know, I've been working that craft for almost nine years, no joke. I'm burnt out completely. I think it would be a good idea for me to completely put them away and concentrate on other arts for a while, come back to it in a year or two with new ideas and new inspirations. It's a hard thing to face, but I think, ultimately, I'll benefit from it a lot.

For now, I think I'll make cookies, since I found my cookie cutters!

Promises and Such

Yet again I find myself with so much on my mind that I feel needs to be pondered in writing, and no idea how to start.

I am much more delicate and easily swayed than I would have any believe, if I could help it.

So very, very delicate.

I've made a promise to myself. Those of you who see me often may have noticed a silver bracelet I've been wearing for the last month or so- it's a reminder, of sorts. An icon of my promise.

The promise itself is hard to explain. I feel that I need to prove myself, that I can support myself physically, emotionally, financially, and so on.

I have to prove it to myself that I can.

I am petrified that I'm going to fail.

Lately, life has really been a spectacular roller coaster, flying from self-assured confidence that I'll succeed without a problem to the depths of my low self-esteem, sure that I can't make it without someone to hold my little hand along the way and show me what to do.

I've failed so much in the past, often only barely making it through situations on top. I thought I was going to be able to change that this year, getting a new start through college attendance, but I was wrong, for the most part. Wrong, so many times.

I want to be strong for myself.

I don't know how.

Rambling to an audience of me.

I can't sleep.

Part of it is the insomnia that I've been so carefully building over the last week or so that seems to have worked all too well. Part of it is confusion. A lot of it is confusion.

I am at an impasse.

This fall, I plan to move out and away, and to give myself the opportunity to start anew, to open a new chapter in my life, a fresh chapter.

I can't just leave everything behind, unfortunately.

In the last month, I have managed to cultivate a ridiculous amount of grief for myself, doing or saying something stupid at almost every turn. Some of these issues have found their resolutions, but all too many lie unresolved because I simply do not know what to do.

So, here's what I know.

High school was a lovely place where I learned a lot and had lovely friends.

I have to break ties with them or be dragged into high school drama.

If I choose not to break ties, I will also have to put a hell of a lot of effort into keeping in contact with each one of them, seeing as I do not hear from any of them unless I make contact first- often, several times.

I am, however, blessed with a small handful of friends who continue to see me for the potential that I have and the person that I am trying to be; friends who have continued to support me.

These are the people who should be at the receiving end of my efforts.

I am afraid.

Of a lot of things.

Rational and no.

That's the way it is.

I need to learn to forgive myself.

I've messed up more than I'd like to admit. I don't know how to redeem myself.

I can't let these things tear me apart until the point that I do know how to redeem myself, though.

I am still sick. I should be sleeping.

I don't really want to go to class tomorrow.

I have a lot of work to do.

(EDIT)

I have paid my due for what I did. I cannot hold myself accountable for fixing it without going mad. Maybe I may someday receive real forgiveness.

Fairy Tales

Once upon a time,

That's how we start them,

And expect the end to be sublime.

To this sad frame, our stories we condemn.

The maid in need of saving,

Pining for her prince strong.

The lad facing situations challenging,

Winning the day, one immortalized in song.

God forbid my story should be thus structured,

No, any man who sees me only as a lady fair-

His glory, he'll find, will be punctured,

From his grip, the heroism I'll tear!

My story will be one that I will tell,

Defined by dreams of my own.

From the aforementioned ideas I'll rebel!

I only hope that this does not doom me to tell it alone.

Flaws in fabrication

How do we right our wrongs?

Each of us, in our journey of life, has wronged another. Likely, more than one, and more than once. When it comes to sins against God, it is a well known process of identifying the wrong, regretting it, asking forgiveness, learning from the situation and moving on, knowing that the wrong has been forgiven and is forgotten. In our day-to-day, small skrew-ups, a simple apology generally suffices.

But what do we do to compensate for the big ones? The ones that stack, one on another, creating a growing, gross heap?

Being humans, we seem to believe that some kind of reparation or revenge is due for these. Why? It's a good question.

And then there are even the wrongs we've served without being aware of them. This not only provides the wrong, but the insult of not realizing that it was at all offending.

I have served my share of wrongs, and have received my share, as well. I can't honestly claim that I have apologized for all of them, or even deserved forgiveness, but I can't remember one instance of knowing I'd wronged someone and not felt remorseful and not said that I'm sorry- truly and completely sorry- for the wrong I'd done.

I've always forgiven freely, holding very few grudges. Sometimes, some would say, too freely. My trust and forgiveness has led me to trouble more than once, has bitten me in the butt, but I can't imagine not forgiving anyone who is remorseful for his or her deed against me, or pretends remorse well or even doesn't realize that s/he has done wrong against me. I can't imagine where I'd be if, the first time someone hurt me, I refused to trust that person again. I'd be very, very alone, I know that.

Why do we refuse each other forgiveness? a new start? another try?

Or am I in the wrong; should I work more to protect myself against those who have wronged me? Have I bared my heart too much, been too vulnerable?

I don't know. Maybe someday I'll have the answers.

Until then, I'll continue to guess. Continue to give the flawed human population the benefit of the doubt and hope that I'll receive it in turn.

If I have wronged you,

I am sorry.

June 29, 2007 Posted as: I hate poetry

What does one do, when just outside that circle of light-

Just a single joy away

So close

And yet

Unable to reach it?

I've been in that light

I've bathed in its glory, seen all it has to offer

Found comfort in its embrace.

I feel some of it's warmth now in a puff of breeze

Just enough for memories to flood my mind

But it's gone almost before I could sense its presence

Leaving what was a healing wound gaping once again.

I want to not long for it so,

As I watch those so blessed to dance in it,

Those I know and hold dear.

I want so badly to find my own joy

My own solace in the solidity of my surroundings

The independence

Self-reliance

The knowledge that none can touch me, none can harm me.

Or that I cannot see the harm

For the lack of light?

Religious affiliation

My goodness, but it has been a while. Busy with school, getting my fill of writing in English and whatnot (blech!).

Anywho, there's been a lot of banter about religion lately (our favorite high-tension, debated subject, I know!), and I felt I should make it clear, finally, what my views are, exactly.

I do believe in a higher being, one we may put a label of "God" on.

I believe that this being created what is right, and, therefor, must be right.

I also believe that every church is flawed.

Jesus was an amazing historical figure. Yup, I believe he existed! Whether he is The Christ, I don't know, but he certainly had a lot to say that was incredible and a representation of what this God wants of us.

My faith exists in thanking the being who created me for giving me the opportunity to exist, and in treating all of the beings around me as the individual, beautiful, artistic creations that each one is. 

Does not the Bible tell us to constantly strive to be more like Jesus? His theme of preaching was to love God and to love the people you live with.

So, yes, I suppose you could say that I am Christian. But I refuse to be a stereotypical, Bible-thumping, crazed, closed-minded and forceful Christian (I'm not implying that any of you are that. To be honest, I don't think I know anyone who is that extreme).

So smile at the people you pass by on the sidewalk or in the hallway, greet those around you, help others when any need arises, and value every person you meet as the incredible, complex, inspired person that he or she is.

I think that anyone, be s/he Christian or not, can do that- can strive to be an embodiment of compassionate, earnest, faultless love.

[If this post made sense to you, congratulations. If not, it's really okay, it's getting late and I'm a little loopy after only having four hours of sleep last night!]

I'll leave you with one last thought:

God may love each of us and want our love and worship in return, but this God also wants us to value all else that He has made, including our fellow beings, no exceptions. He left us here together to LIVE together and LOVE one another, so is it not the greatest thing we can do to purely care for and love each other?