Rambling to an audience of me.

I can't sleep.

Part of it is the insomnia that I've been so carefully building over the last week or so that seems to have worked all too well. Part of it is confusion. A lot of it is confusion.

I am at an impasse.

This fall, I plan to move out and away, and to give myself the opportunity to start anew, to open a new chapter in my life, a fresh chapter.

I can't just leave everything behind, unfortunately.

In the last month, I have managed to cultivate a ridiculous amount of grief for myself, doing or saying something stupid at almost every turn. Some of these issues have found their resolutions, but all too many lie unresolved because I simply do not know what to do.

So, here's what I know.

High school was a lovely place where I learned a lot and had lovely friends.

I have to break ties with them or be dragged into high school drama.

If I choose not to break ties, I will also have to put a hell of a lot of effort into keeping in contact with each one of them, seeing as I do not hear from any of them unless I make contact first- often, several times.

I am, however, blessed with a small handful of friends who continue to see me for the potential that I have and the person that I am trying to be; friends who have continued to support me.

These are the people who should be at the receiving end of my efforts.

I am afraid.

Of a lot of things.

Rational and no.

That's the way it is.

I need to learn to forgive myself.

I've messed up more than I'd like to admit. I don't know how to redeem myself.

I can't let these things tear me apart until the point that I do know how to redeem myself, though.

I am still sick. I should be sleeping.

I don't really want to go to class tomorrow.

I have a lot of work to do.

(EDIT)

I have paid my due for what I did. I cannot hold myself accountable for fixing it without going mad. Maybe I may someday receive real forgiveness.